My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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