just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
