They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The uberlube is also flammable
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
