She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
