I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
