I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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