My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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