I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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