we're chasing vodka with high fives
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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