Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
