GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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