When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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