we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
