ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You have to summon your inner elephant
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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