I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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