if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
porn star boner night. come get it.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize