Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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