Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
