Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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