Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
