I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
