Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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