TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
