Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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