How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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