There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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