I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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