At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Randomize
