I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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