Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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