you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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