If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
