woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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