I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
