guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
