So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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