K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
