Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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