tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
