Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Damn victory sex feels great
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
