oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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