Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
