The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
