he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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