Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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