batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
