please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
