It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Randomize
