This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
