I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
