come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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