And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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