No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
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