I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
