i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
