So drunk its hurt
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
