Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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