Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Randomize
