just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
