I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
