laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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