My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
