apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
