And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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