I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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